Desperately Seeking Me
“You just act so desperate…” The words stung me and silenced me for the remainder of a two and a half car ride through the backwoods of eastern North Carolina. I can’t even remember what my passenger and me were discussing but what they said in that moment hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m sure they’ve forgotten they even said it. It hurt my feelings but I’m glad they did it was the kind of revealing truth that you need because I’m sure they weren’t the only person who was thinking it.
This statement came in the aftermath of me completely losing myself in yet another guy who couldn’t give less than a fuck about me. You see I have this problem when I find myself really feeling a guy I lose myself completely in him; in his habits, in his schedule, in his likes and dislikes, his moods, and the list goes on and on. However, with the last guy I retained enough of my sentience that I could see myself drowning but I couldn’t save myself. It was like watching a movie and knowing the ending but not being able to stop it. I was so wrapped up in him that I’d acted an ass and lost my dignity and more importantly my professional reputation. I allowed him to permeate my spirit and control my moods. I knew it was happening and it wasn’t that I didn’t care I had just become so wrapped in him that for me to cut ties I’d felt I damage me more than I’d damage him.
But this kind of symbiosis wasn’t new to me I was used to losing myself in someone else. Then when it would end I would find myself dissecting me and asking what is wrong with me. Only to repeat the pattern again I was a glutton for punishment.
As a little girl I never imagined a wedding or a husband, that wasn’t my thing. However, I could tell you exactly what I wanted to be and how I was going to do it. But in middle school something snapped in me. I’ll never forget it, it was Valentine’s Day of my sixth grade year. It seemed like all of my classmates had a Valentine’s “boo” and were receiving the standard Valentine gifts of chocolate, a cheap stuffed animals, and cheap chocolate. When I got home that evening I had tears in my eyes and my family told me I needed to toughen up. But in my mind in that moment I started to hear a little voice that said if I didn’t have a boo something was wrong with me. A few ill chosen crushes later I was in despair of the ripe old age of 14.
I’ll spare you the details but in reflection on my dating choices I’ve realized something. I have never been truly been in love. Strong infatuation? Yes. Strong “like”? Yes. But I have never been in love. You want to know how I know? Because I never truly loved myself. The only way you can truly and purely love someone else is if you love you and quite frankly, I didn’t. Hell I didn't even like me and my choices subconsciously reflected that. That is why it was so easy for me to get caught up in somebody else because I didn’t love me or truly know who I was.
After that “desperate” comment I decided to take a cold hard look at me and who I was which was easy because I’m my own worst critic. I decided I needed to remove myself from the dating scene and figure me out. What do I like? What do I truly want out of life? I decided to fully devote myself to my scholarly and career endeavors. I decided to finally lose that 30 or 40 pounds I’ve gained over the past few weeks. I decided to stop seeing people the way I wanted to see them and ignoring their flaws, I needed to be objective. And more importantly me, I decided to make a deep, concerted effort to first LOVE MYSELF.
To anyone reading this I want you to know a few things. Contrary to the belief of some your relationship status doesn’t define you. Your value, your dignity nor your self worth is tied to your being single. But before seeking a relationship be sure of who you are as a person because if you aren’t sure you’re open the door to hurt, heartbreak, and confusion because so much of you is tied up in something else. Be able to stand on your own two feet and be sure of you, and love yourself fiercely and without cease. Before desperately seeking a partner or outside validation I want you to desperately seek YOURSELF.
Popular posts from this blog
Foreword to "To Live, Learn, and Die in Halifax Co." : I am a lifestyle writer not a journalist. I normally write about funny stuff: love, life, and a laughter. I like making people laugh not think; I leave that to serious people. When I posted this essay it wasn't to attack anyone and it wasn't to be attacked or chided in return. Normally my posts get about 100 views in a couple of weeks but within two hours of me posting this piece it had over 1000 views. Let me be clear, I am not an expert on schools, I am not an expert on taxation, I am not an expert on the finances of Halifax County. However, anyone with two eyes can look around and see that Halifax County is SUFFERING. I wrote this piece because I have seen the effects that our piss poor schools have had on my generation and all subsequent generations. I spoke about my grandmother's work ethic and her desire to see her children do better not to focus on her parenting. It was to focus on the fact that the
Dreaming With A Broken Heart Part II Three months later.... My life has been pure hell without Kena. She wouldn't return my calls. I even went as far as to go to her parents' house that was damn sure the wrong move I barely escape there without getting my ass whooped by her father who was a former Army drill sergeant. I went to her apartment. She wouldn't answer the door. I went to her job she had security to promptly escort me out. I was truly a man apart. I was sitting at my desk when I got a call from Corey. "Aye man what's up" "Nothing much just sitting in the office.” "Word, well me, Chuck and Kyle are going out Shooters to watch the game tonight. You tryna roll?” Corey had been trying to get me to go out for the past month and I wasn't feeling it. "I think I'm going to chill at the crib and watch it." "Fool you coming out tonight. I'm sick of your ass sitting round the house acting like it's the end
Closed Until Further Notice By: Honey B. Baker The last two years in my dating life have been quite simply a disaster. I have been on a couple dates that made me wonder when a camera crew was going to come around the corner. I have met dudes who were full of potential and others who left much to be desired. Currently, I am jaded, embittered, and tired. For the time being I want to be left alone. My heart and my mind are closed until further notice. Over the past two years, I have endured a series of stinging blows that have wounded me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I need time to heal.