I Saw The Trees Not The Forest
I Saw The Trees Not The Forest
I thought. Paul* was bae as fuck to me. I mean whenever he came around I’d hear wedding bells and the laughter of our hypothetical beautiful, chocolate babies. Paul was shit in my book; he was handsome, intelligent, charming, and engaging. Sure, he was a little arrogant and bullheaded but I thought I could deal.
All my delights of fancy came to a screeching halt with the receipt of a text message telling me Paul was on the downlow. I asked this person whom I knew to be trustworthy how they knew. And they disclosed to me that one of their male friends was sleeping with Paul. I had no reason to doubt this information from this source. And when she told me who the friend was a lot of things about Paul and this person’s friendship began to make sense in the most horrible of ways.
This revelation confirmed my greatest fear about Paul. Deep down I knew something about him was off. No, he didn’t come off as “gay”. He wasn’t effeminate he was a man’s man (played football, played basketball, and all those other masculine stereotypes). In bed he wasn’t into kinky stuff that people would consider “suspect”. But like I said deep down I already knew something about Paul wasn’t right but I just thought I was ultra sensitive.
Paul and I spent a lot of our time together in public this gave me an opportunity to just observe him. From time to time a guy would walk past and his eyes would linger longer than I thought to be normal. But I’d tell myself maybe he was admiring a part of his outfit or trying to determine if he knew this guy from somewhere. Plus he was a Taurus and Taureans love staring at people. One night we were on the phone and he randomly asked me about the sexual orientation of one of my male friends who is closeted but not well. The question came out of nowhere but I chalked it up to sheer nosiness. Then he mentioned another gay man’s crush on him, which I thought him bringing it up was weird. And lastly, he was extremely homophobic. He’d even laughed about one of high school friend’s assault on a gay man. A rule of thumb is the most homophobic amongst us are self-loathing and want to be in “the life” themselves.
But like I said I chalked all of these incidents up to me being paranoid and just trying to find something wrong with him. Whenever I find myself feeling somebody I pick him apart not in a malicious manner but in an analytical manner. I try to keep my head in front of my heart and stay objective.
I tried to wrap my head around this revelation and understand it. I knew there was no need to confront him because I knew him. Paul’s arrogance would allow him to admit the truth or admit when he was wrong we’d be there time and time again. Feelings of betrayal, hurt, and confusion coursed through my heart and mind like a raging river. I knew that something was always missing between Paul and I thought it was me. I thought maybe if I lost a few more pounds. Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe I wasn’t smart enough. I was besieged by self-doubt and insecurity from all sides. But with this revelation I understood that it was never me it was him.
I have never confronted Paul with this information because like I said there is no point. He won’t admit it, so my desires of closure through his candor are meritless. So I have to find closure and reconciliation for myself. At the end of the day I want Paul to be happy and see him live in his truth. When we live our lives through lies we end up hurting ourselves but more unfortunately you hurt those who care about you. Lying gives you finite options when dealing with people.
I used to think I was impervious to the DL brotha. I thought my gaydar was so refined that I could spot a DL brotha from a mile away. But the situation with Paul proved me to be flat out wrong. And maybe I did see it but I chose to look past it because of my desires for him. I do not hate Paul. I do not wish him any ill will. Paul is no more imperfect than the rest of us. We all have aspects of who we are that not everyone sees. However, some of our hidden qualities have greater consequences than others. It is my sincerest hopes that Paul can be honest with himself and others. But I know my hopes are more than likely futile because Paul is more brand conscious than any corporation that I’ve ever seen.