What's Love Got To Do With It?
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Someone told me
when you meet the one you’re supposed to spend your life with you’ll just know
it. But what happens if you know it and they don’t? Well here’s a little story
about that. Oh yeah by the way, I’m Apollonian aka the bitch whose pictures
your boyfriend keeps liking on Instagram. But yeah my name is Apollonian, like
Prince’s girlfriend from Purple Rain. What can I say my mom was a big Prince
fan? ::face palm::
Well let’s take it way, way back. Okay
not way, way back like 1990 but like way back like last summer when people
still thought “Trap Queen” was a good song and using the term “on fleek” was
still socially acceptable. First, let’s meet my boyfriend Jack. And herrrrre we
go!
“Lonnie,
you good baby?” “Yeah Jack, I’m fine.” He said as he caressed my thigh through
the thin material of my maxi dress. He
took his attention away from the road and focused it on me. “You sure?” “Yeah,
I’m coolin’.” “Cool.” He said as he flashed me a cheerful smile. I knew what Jack
was thinking and I knew he knew what I was thinking as well but neither one of
us were about that life.
When
we arrived at the Sampson State Greek Alumni cookout the park was packed with
fraternity and sorority alums of Sampson State, Jack’s alma mater. His fraternity
themed jersey looked perfect against his dark skin tone. I walked with Jack to
his fraternity’s tent where I began to meet the guys whom I had heard so many
pledging stories about including the old head who had put that permanent bruise
on his torso. I could tell that Jack was proud to show me off as his woman and
I was proud he was proud. I was proud to be there with him.
It
was funny how I’d met Jack. He’d gone to Sampson, I’d gone to Bailey which was
ten minutes down the road. We had pledged the same semester, we knew a lot of
the same people but we’d never met until were three thousand miles away and
living in the same apartment building. I don’t know how I hadn’t crossed paths
with his fine ass before then. Jack was 5’10, solid muscular frame, thick hair
that he wore in short freeform twist with a fresh line up, his dark skin was
enchanting and could be credited to his father’s Sudanese heritage, and a smile
that always made me beam even on my worst days.
“So
where did you cross?” One of his linebrothers asked. “Alpha Pi.” “Ohhh damn,
really?!?!” “Yes really.” My chapter had a name for being crazy but we were
really just misunderstood. I fell back into the crowd as Jack made his rounds.
I was an introvert and just to chill. He had been and still was really popular.
He’d been Mr. Sampson and had been well respected on the campus during his time
as a student.
I
would be lying if I said that Jack wasn’t a great guy because he was, don’t get
me wrong but I knew I didn’t love him and I think deep down he knew it too. We
were both just too cowardly to admit it.
We were a year in and I kept telling myself that love would come and I
felt stupid because I didn’t love him. He was literally everything I ever said
I wanted in a man. He was good looking, smart, caring, honest, loyal, funny,
and made his own money (he was an electrical engineer). Plus he knew how to
please me physically; there had never been a time where he didn’t leave my body
satisfied. But something was missing. There was no spark. Jack didn’t make me
feel alive. I’m an idiot, right?
“Baby, you good?” He said as I
picked over my food. “Yeah, I’m good. This heat has just taken my appetite.”
Then we locked eyes. No, not me and
Jack but me and HIM. Who is him? You ask, well I’ll tell you. HIM is the
motherfucker who amazes, mystifies, and stupefies me because I never thought
that you could hate someone just as much as you love them. HIM was Santiago, Santiago
Shawn Johnson born May 9, 1986 in Washington, DC to Shonda Johnson and to father
unknown until when he cried on my shoulder when he found his biological father
after so many years of searching and false hopes.
A thousand volts of electricity
coursed through my body when his eyes locked with mine. The hundreds of people surrounding
us including Jack just faded away. I blinked hard trying to make it go away but
he just had that effect on me when I saw him the world didn’t exist. When I was
with him my problems weren’t real, the real world wasn’t real, the only thing
that was real was us. I really was an idiot.
I could see the shock on Santiago’s
face. I mean the last person he probably expected to see here was me. And me as
in I was looking real good. Since the last time he’d seen me I had glo’d up. A
broken heart can have that kind of life changing power. I’d lost 30 pounds, my
melanin was popping, my hair was flowing in the wind, and my white maxi dress
was hitting every curve. He hadn’t seen me in almost eighteen months. When I
realized there was nothing here for me and moved to California. I moved and I
didn’t look back. He’d shown me just how much he thought of me in those
eighteen months because I hadn’t heard from him once. No e-mails, no texts, no
calls, no nothing. Not even a damn smoke signal.
I don’t know why I was shocked I
knew he’d been here. He never missed it. I thought about year before last when
I was waiting for him to invite me but the invite never came and I was stuck
looking at pictures on Instagram. I hated myself for loving him. My insides
contorted themselves into knots as he approached where Jack and I were sitting.
“Lonnie, what are you doing here?” Now it was time for the dagger. “I’m here
with my boyfriend, Jack.” I decided to twist the dagger I wanted to see the
hurt on his face. “Y’all know each other right?” Of course, they knew each
other. Santiago had pledged Jack.
“Yeah man, what’s up. How you been?”
He said as he greeted Jack. A tinge of hurt spread across Santiago’s face. He
was so predictable it was tragic. He didn’t want me but his ego would not allow
him to set me free. And in my heart, I didn’t want to be free. When he and I
were messing around I often thought how I’d rather spend an eternity in hell
with him than a day in heaven with anyone else. Fucked up, right? Jack and Santiago
made small talk. And I quietly made my way to the car to retrieve my cell phone
charger.
When I’d met Jack I was honest with
him about my history with Santiago. Okay, I wasn’t honest. But I mean how do
you tell another man that you’re still madly in love with another man? I’m
stupid but not that stupid. I knew well enough to know that Jack was a good ass
catch and he would make a good husband. I wasn’t about to pass that up.
As I walked from the car I saw Santiago
walking in my direction. He was still fine. I could tell he had taken my advice
about hitting the gym because the gut that was once forming had disappeared and
his physique was thicker. His 6’3 frame still towered over my 5’2 frame, he
still had the same Hershey color skin, and thick coarse curls I used to run my
fingers through when we were in the throes of passion. I could see the
seriousness all over his face. “Lonnie, can I speak with you for a minute?” He
sounded like a principal and I was a student in trouble. He always made me feel
like that when we argued. We would argue and he would get serious and then he’d
let me be mad, then he’d say a joke, and I would love him again.
“Sure Santiago.” I followed him over
to a secluded tree. “So you think this is okay?” “What’s okay?” “This! You’re
really out here with dude like that. He is someone I have a lot of love and
respect for.” “Santiago, understand this. I do not owe you shit. Well maybe
just my ass to kiss. But if I remember correctly you’ve not only kissed it but
ate it too. You know that one night in February when we got really drunk off
that Henny and thing got way out of hand.” “You are still a damn comedian.”
“And you still ain’t about shit. You really have a lot of nerve. Do you not
realize that? I literally haven’t heard from you in a year and a half. Like
nothing, nothing at all. No text, no call, nothing. You didn’t even care to
know of my wellbeing.” “You know how I am. I’m a bad texter.” “No Santiago, I’m
a bad texter. You just don’t give a fuck about me. How dare you question my
moves when you never even made an effort to stay in my life!” “You left my
life!” I laughed. “Do you think I really wanted to move to Cali? I remember
telling you about the job offer and you just shrugged it off and was so damn
nonchalant. If you wanted me, you would have fought for me. But you said, oh
yeah that’s what’s up.” “If you wanted me you would’ve stayed.” “Why stay for
someone who didn’t even include me in his life? You relegated me to the
background and out of sight. I was your cheerleader in private, your confidante
in private, and the love of your life in private. How are you going to cry and
tell me how much you love me? Then not even introduce me to your fucking mother
when she was in town. You and I both know I deserve more than that.”
I remember cooking dinner for Santiago
as he was studying for his masters. Giving him a massage after he had a hard
day at work. Listening to him speak about his tumultuous upbringing that was
polar opposite of my Leave it To Beaver-esqe life. I remember listening to him
tell me his plans for the future but at the time I missed a key point, his
future goals never included me.
Now let’s compare that to Jack. When
Jack speaks about five years from now. It’s not just about Jack, it’s about
Jack and Apollonian. Ten years from now it’s about Jack and Apollonian, and
mini-Jacks and mini-Apollonians.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry as hell. I was
wrong, I really was. I’ve had a lot of time to think since you’ve been gone and
I know I was wrong. You were one of the best things that happened to me and I
didn’t do right by you. Can you consider giving us a second shot? A real
chance.” I let out an amused chuckle, “At one point in time those were words I
prayed to hear come out of your mouth. But then I remembered something. You can
never live up to your promises. It amazes me how you have the ability to lift
me so high up I mean higher than I’ve ever been only to send me crashing to the
careening down to Earth again and again and again. Then you’d leave me alone
just long enough for me to pick up all the pieces of me and put myself back
together just so you could do it again. I was stupid then probably still am but
I’m smart enough now to know better. I’m not going to sit here and lie. I love
you. I love every single fucked up thing about you and that’s the fucked up
part. Even though you don’t realize this. I realized when I met you, you were
broken, I saw the broken little boy inside of you who never feels like enough.
I wanted to be the glue that put every broken piece of you back together and
kiss every hurt and tell you that you are enough and that everything would be
okay. You put on a good front for the world but our hearts found each other for
a reason but I can’t allow myself to keep being broken just to make you whole.
I gave you so much of me and I never got anything back beyond a few good
memories, a few tears, and some good sex to salve over all the wounds you
inflicted upon my spirit. You hurt me, badly. You hurt so much that I can’t
even properly love the man who wants to undo every bad thing you did to me. Bye, Santiago.” He was speechless as I walked
away and rejoined Jack.
I knew I loved Santiago in all
honesty I knew I loved him the moment we’d locked eyes in a crowded Starbucks.
However, I had learned myself enough to know that I couldn’t love someone who
didn’t love themselves enough to love me. Maybe his words were sincere, maybe
just maybe but I didn’t have the time to figure it out. I’d given him chance
after chance and let him back into my life an unprecedented number of times
because of how he made me feel. But I’d resigned myself to fact that love
wasn’t enough.
Thunder began to roll in the
distance as the dusk turned to dark.
Jack and I like everyone else quickly packed up to avoid the coming
summer storm. As we got into the car, Jack glanced over at me. “You love him
don’t you?” “I love him like you love that one old song. You know? Like that
song that you had your first time to or you had your first kiss too. Yes, when
you hear it, it brings back memories and makes you feel some kind of way. But
you know enough to know that, the past is the past and the past is the past for
a reason.” Jack took my hand into his and traced my knuckles. “And how do you
love me?” “I love you like I love my favorite painting. I love my favorite
painting because I haven’t figured it out yet. Every time I look at it I see
something new and I find something else to appreciate about it and something
new to love about it.”
Seeing Santiago again had made me
realize something. I’d allowed him to empty me of my love, I was all out of
love, I didn’t even know what love was anymore because he’d fucked me up so
bad. Jack and I met in the right time and the right place. Think about it we’d
spent four years living in close proximity to each other but had never crossed
paths not even once. Jack had been sent to me to show me what real reciprocal
love was. Santiago had taught me a valuable lesson about what selfishness,
greediness, and pride could do to love but it was not love. Selfishness,
greediness, and pride are the bastard children of lust; lust makes a mockery of
love. Lust taunts love, it abuses love, and then it has a nerve to try and
masquerade itself as love. Looking at Jack I realized he was what real love and
understanding were all about. I felt the calluses that had formed around my
heart slowly softening in that moment.
“I’ve been trying to hold back on
doing this. But fuck it.” Jack said as he opened the center console and took
out a small black velvet box. As the rain poured outside of the car, and the
thunder rumbled and the lightning crackled Jack spoke. “Apollonian Esther Lane,
you are probably the craziest, meanest, sweetest, kindest, and most beautiful
woman I have ever met. I swear sometimes it feel like I’m dating five different
women at once. But I do know this I would gladly wake up to each one of those
women everyday for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?” “Yes.”
LOLOLOLOLOL, I know when y’all
started reading this you thought that Santiago and I were going to end up
together. Nope! No, this is a story about love and all the kinds of love that
make the world go round. Some love is temporal and time sensitive, some love is
spatial and only matters in certain proximity, and some love is conditional—you
loved that dress until it went out of style or you loved Olive Garden until you
tried Carrabas’. When I thought I didn’t love Jack I was lying to myself. I’d
allowed my heart to become desensitized but Jack’s love gave me permission to
feel again and believe that love was real and I was deserving of it. I realized
the reason Jack hadn’t made me feel alive was because I hadn’t given myself a
chance to be alive with him. I was afraid. I’ve told you this story to give you
a lesson and maybe a laugh as well. Be careful of who you love, be careful of
who you give possession of your heart to. Your heart is like your car. Would
you give that to just anybody? Would you allow someone to treat it any kind of
way? Your heart is a Bentley not a fucking ÜBER.
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