Why I’m Thankful For Rejection
By: Honey B. Baker
Last year a friend of mine gave me this book called “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Dr. Carol S. Dweck. I have been super busy with life and I didn’t get a chance to read it until very recently. Basically the book breaks down our mindset into two types, fixed versus growth. People with fixed mindsets are doomed for failure after failure. Because when someone has a fixed mindset they have a static way of thinking and do not have the ability to be fluid and adapt to changing stimuli. People with this kind of mindset equate failing with them being an actual failure. They don’t cope well with not doing well and they take any rejection or any kind of failure personally as if it’s a reflection on them personally as if it’s a reflection on their abilities, on their character.
However, people with a growth mindset are able to separate their failure from themselves or even their abilities. They are okay with failure and they know how to move forward and maintain a positive mindset.
Sadly, until recently in many areas of my life including my love life I exhibited a fixed mindset. If I did poorly on an assignment that meant I was stupid. I mean never mind the fact that I had succeeded before. If a relationship didn’t work out it must’ve meant I wasn’t something enough or I was too much of something. I wasn’t thick enough, I wasn’t slim enough, my butt wasn’t big enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t smart enough. I always took rejection personally and as if it said something about me. I mean obviously something was wrong with me if this man didn’t want me. I mean obviously...
However, after reading Mindset I realized this mindset is dangerous, counterproductive, and detrimental to my growth as a person. Truth is at some point or another we will all feel rejection from someone whom we hoped to build something with. And, in reality before it’s all said and done we’ll feel rejection more than once.
After reading this book I took stock of every dude whose rejections or actions made me feel worthless or less than. I realized none of them were really worth my time in the first place, to be honest. Many of them were not worth my time in my first place. I mean yeah, some of them looked good, some of them were smart, some of them were talented, and some of them were something “nice” but truly they were nothing phenomenally but more importantly they weren’t someone I could see myself building a life with. They were not a blessing to me I was a blessing to them. I hate to sound cliché but man’s rejection is oftentimes God’s protection.
If someone rejects you understand it doesn’t say anything about you and everything about him. Understand this, being rejected by someone does not mean you are not attractive, it does not mean you are not smart enough, it does not mean anything except you and this man were not a good fit for each other. And why would you want someone in your life who is not a good fit for you? There are too many people out here in relationships with people who they merely tolerate. I also guarantee at some point it may not be tomorrow, it may not be next year, you will look back and will be thankful for what you thought was rejection, it was your protection.
The man who is for you will see your value. I mean at the end of the day, why would you spin your wheels and continue to seek the approval of someone who rejected you? I want to take myself out of this piece as much as possible but I want to show you all how this book has shifted my mindset in just a couple of weeks. This book seriously made me take inventory of my “self talk” and how I treated myself in relation to how other treated me. You’d be surprised at how much your inner thoughts or your “self talk” truly reflect on the outside and how people treat you as a result of that. What you think is what you attract.
The last guy I dealt with on a serious in-depth emotional level rejected me but not in the sense of just telling me “Hey Honey, I don’t want you.” No, it was more of a gentle stringing me along and then finally hurling me to the ground at full force just to see how hard he could break me which resulted in me almost catching a case (But God!). It broke my heart but I vowed vengeance. My saying is don’t get bitter get better. (But seriously by vowing vengeance was I was really getting better?) I was going to make him regret ever rejecting and hurting me. I was going to make him wish he would’ve loved me. I knew I would see him again on a particular day this upcoming August. My goal was to lose 20 pounds before then, I would be slanging 24 inches of body wave Brazilian from my scalp, my face would be beat, and I would have on one of my sexy outfits that showed off my tattoos that rarely see the light of day.
Looking back at this thought that I had only a few weeks ago I realized my “mission” was comical and downright chuckle inducing. After reading this book I realized his rejection had nothing to do with my personality, my outward appearance, my intellectual abilities or anything to do with me, period. It has everything to do with him and his feelings. If he didn’t want me, so what? Someone else did but I was too busy planning this big payback to even pay attention to the men who were actively seeking my attention whom appreciated my intellect, my personality, and my appearance.
It was okay that he rejected me, he just wasn’t for me, and at the end of the day I probably wasn’t for him either. At the end of the day, who and what is for me will be in my life. The man who is for me will love and accept me if I’m 180 or if I’m 130. If my face is beat or if I looked like I’ve never seen Sephora or the MAC counter a day in my life.
There I was starving myself, engaging in unhealthy eating habits all for the attention of a man who was not worth my attention in the first place. I was exerting all of this precious time and energy into a man who could not see my value and even if he did see my value he did not have the maturity or the ability to be able to properly appreciate it.
I’ve said all of that to say this. You are the woman that someone is praying for. A failed relationship isn’t a reflection back onto your character, your ability, your personality, or your looks. Think about it like this what if we let every failure or setback stop us none of us would’ve ever walked or talked. Because I have never seen a baby walk without first stumbling and falling a couple of times. I’ve never seen a baby start off speaking in full sentences. We can treat failures like a stumbling block or a stepping stone, that attitude is solely up to us.
We’ve got to free ourselves of this mindset that failures are anything more than just that, a failure (failure is not final nor is it fatal). We can and we will fail but we are not our failures. We are not our failures, we are not our rejections, and we are not our mistakes. Learn from your failures but do not become them, move on from your rejections do not let them consume you, take your mistakes in stride do not let them take over your life do not let them act as anchor holding you in one place.
And about that guy who you probably thought about as you were reading this: Remember this you could’ve been the blessing he missed out on, his loss not yours.
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