Closed Until Further Notice

Closed Until Further Notice
By: Honey B. Baker

The last two years in my dating life have been quite simply a disaster. I have been on a couple dates that made me wonder when a camera crew was going to come around the corner. I have met dudes who were full of potential and others who left much to be desired.

         Currently, I am jaded, embittered, and tired. For the time being I want to be left alone. My heart and my mind are closed until further notice. Over the past two years, I have endured a series of stinging blows that have wounded me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I need time to heal.

         I am sick of being disappointed, being lead on, and being toyed with. At the beginning of the year I said I was no longer become emotionally invested in a man and I meant it and it has helped. I acted intentionally and objectively but it still didn’t complete inoculate me from the embarrassment of finding out a guy who I spent much of my time with this year had basically been lying to me for the duration of our time spent together. I was embarrassed because everyone was aware of his deceit but me. All the while they were smiling in my face. It hurt to be embarrassed and made a fool of especially for someone as prideful as me.

         I don’t know if it’s because I have bad taste in men or if I go about things wrong but for the time being I’m over it. I spent a year and a half torturing myself trying to make things work with someone who quite frankly did not want me. Daily I raked myself over the searing coals trying to make myself someone I was trying to please someone who didn’t care. I tried to contort myself into a version of me that I didn’t recognize; I played small, I played quiet, and I played my position. I sit here now shaking my head thinking about how I let a spiritual vampire into my midst that drained me of my identity and fire. I try to tell myself that’s it’s okay but it’s not. He walked out holding my heart and he left me holding the bag.

         I’ve gone on dates (some good, some bad, some worst ending with me skipping out before the check came). I’ve had done my thing. I’ve texted, I’ve Facetimed, I’ve flirted but currently I just feel like I’m going through the motions. I haven’t met one man who makes me wants to come out of my shell who lights a fire inside my heart. My heart has become so calloused from the war wounds and the battle scars that it impossible for me to feel a real and viable connection.

         And with that being said, I’m going to the house. My heart is closed until further notice. Until I figure “me” out and I figured out what I want and what I need, I’m temporarily retiring and drawing the shutters shut.



Unknown said…
This is how I'm feeling. It's so hard to be alone especially when everyone around you is getting engaged, married or in steady relationships. I too have checked out!

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