Kiss and Say Goodbye
An Old To Closure
By: Honey B. Baker
I sighed deeply as I kicked back on my plush couch and looked around basking in the joy of finally being unpacked in my new apartment. Every box had been unpacked, broken down, and tossed in the garbage. Life was good.
I sipped on my celebratory glass of champagne and reflected on the series of moments that had brought me here. A bad break up, moving clear across the country for a new job only to be fired during a round of layoffs three months later, being broke to the point that oodles of noodles were a luxury, moving back home to live in my parents’ guest bedroom, and finally finding a new better paying job. Mind you all of this happened in ten-month time span.
I was finally getting back on my feet, complete with a new fly apartment. I enjoyed my champagne and fell asleep on my couch.
The next morning I went for a jog just to check out my complex. Right outside of my building sat a shiny new silver S-Class Mercedes Benz caught my attention because of the fraternity tag on the back. At least, I knew some more black folks stayed over here.
I finished my jog and returned to my building. “Ngozi?” I turned around to see who was saying my name. There stood Isaacs aka the man who had broken my heart and sit me running for the hills. “Isaacs, what are you doing here?” “I should be asking you that. I live upstairs. I thought you moved to Chicago.” “Things in Chicago didn’t pan out.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” “It’s cool. I mean...” Before I could continue a slim, tall woman with a caramel complexion curly blonde hair and jade green eyes slinked down the stairs and intertwined her arm with Isaacs. “Ike, are you ready to head to church?” “Yeah babe. Cherise, this is Ngozi an old friend. Ngozi this is my fiancé, Cherise.” “Nice to meet you, Ngozi.” “Likewise.”
The word fiancé rolled around in my head and crashed against the inside of my skull. Isaacs and I had only been broken up eight months and he was already engaged. “Well Isaacs, it was good seeing you. Cherise, it was nice meeting you. Take care.” “You do the same, Ngozi.” Isaacs said before walking away.
I walked into my apartment and the tears began to roll. I had loved Isaacs with all of my heart and had planned on spending the rest of my life with him. But suddenly he changed on me. Almost as if overnight like he’d woke up one morning and didn’t love me anymore like I was some flotsam just to be thrown away. I knew it was over and I tried to cut my loses. But so many questions had been left unanswered. A few times I tried to seek closure from him but I never got the answers I thought I deserved. But I finally realized that Ike would never have the answers I wanted or possibly needed. I had to move on by myself.
I often missed his toned, chocolate, 6’4 physique beside me as I played in his coarse kinky hair. The illuminating glow of his smile warmed even the coldest corner of my heart. I loved Ike and I had loved him from the crown of my head to the tip of my toenails.
Ike and I had met when we’d worked for the same company. He was like me in many ways. He was intelligent, ambitious, and goal-oriented. We’d quickly gravitated towards each other and we fell as hard and as fast as a tumbling brick wall. Or maybe I just fell like that.
That night I’d pulled myself a glass of Hennessy and sat on the couch. I was making a concerted effort in finishing up an assignment for a major magazine. I heard a quick rapping knock at my door. I looked through my peephole and saw Ike standing there. I hesitantly opened the door. “Yes?” “Can I come in, Ngozi? I think we need to talk.” “If you say so.” I invited him in and offered him a seat.
“Ngozi, how are you?” “I’m fine, Ike. How are you?” “I’m good. Look, Ngozi I’m sorry for how things ended between us.” “Let me guess, you met Cherise while we were still together and you were just enamored? That’s why overnight you virtually shut me out.” “That’s not fair!” Ike snapped at me. “But it’s true. Ike one day we were planning our future including our beautiful chocolate babies, a two-car garage, and our corny family vacations then overnight you just changed. You just didn’t love me anymore.” “Ngozi, I never stopped caring for you. You are an amazing woman but I just instantly clicked with Cherise.” “Ike, I’m over it. I’m hurt that things didn’t work out between us. I loved you.” “I’m sorry if I ever hurt you.” “Your sorry doesn’t mean anything to me. You want to know when I got closure?” “When Ngozi?” “When I stopped looking to you for answers to questions about me I knew I'd found closure and I'm thankful for that.”
“Closure, huh?” “Yes, closure. For a few months, I begged you for answers. I begged and I begged and I begged you for answers. Then I realized the answers I deserved weren’t found with you they were found with me. For a little while, I hated you but there is no need for me to hate you. For a while, I sat beside my phone hoping you’d call or text me. Then I realized I was missing out on life’s fullness waiting for something that could possibly never happen. Ike, I honestly wish you and Cherise the best. At the end of the day, I’m just not the woman you loved.” Ike sat there and looked at me reflectively.
“Damn you’re really over me.” “You seem surprised.” “Honestly, I am. Ngozi, you always fucked me up.” “Huh?” “I mean, Ngozi. I felt your love all over me. In every little thing you did for me from cooking dinner for me to massaging my back for me after long days. What fucked me up was that I couldn’t reciprocate it. I felt your love but I couldn’t return it. I went through the motions because I thought it was the right thing to do. You’re a good woman and I would’ve been a fool to let you go.” “I’m just not who I wanted and that’s fine. Take care, Ike.” I said as I got up and opened the door for him to leave.
He walked up to me, towering over my 5’0 frame; he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. “Goodnight, babygirl.” I truly knew I was over him because his gentle forehead kiss and him calling me babygirl used to make my head light and my heart flutter. But now I felt nothing at all.
At the end of the day, I was at peace. I loved a man as hard and as strong as I could. And about this I have no regrets. I loved in the absence of fear and that's got to count for something. I’ll find love again and I will not be afraid to love again.
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