Your Dirty Shoes

Your Dirty Shoes
By: Honey B. Baker

Quick question, would you go outside and stomp in a mud puddle and then trek inside of someone’s house and just walk around dragging the mud from room to room? Of course you wouldn’t at least I hope not. I’m hoping before you enter someone’s house you’d kick off the muddy shoes at the door and precede after that.

         If you wouldn’t track mud into someone else’s home, why would you track mud into someone else’s life? That is exactly what we do when we do not take time to clean our hearts and our minds after bad “situationships” and relationships come to an end. Let’s face it, relationships and connections end and sometimes we are on the receiving in the brunt of the burden of the hurt and the pain of the rejection and the emotional toll there within.

          A few weeks ago a guy asked me out on a date and in the interim we communicated via text message. He was recently out of a long-term relationship and at first he seems to be in a good place in his life considering this fact. However, after a few conversations I could sense he was still wearing “dirty shoes”. His whole existence centers on hurting his ex, emotionally and getting back at her for hurting him. His line of questioning towards me belied a deeper sense of mistrust of women. Yup, it became evident that he was still wearing his dirty shoes. I stopped texting him and started ignoring his messages because I knew if I let him in all he would do was track his mud into my life.

         When I say mud I mean the hurt, the bitterness, the feelings of rejection, and any of negative feelings we consciously and subconsciously develop via the hurts of a failed relationship. Before we move forward we need to learn how to clean off our metaphorical shoes. Right now I’m in the process of cleaning my shoes. I know that I am not in a place where I can mean much good to a significant other. I’m currently trying to regain my confidence and vigor after long and drawn out and unnecessarily dramatic situationship. I do not want to look at the next man and project the hurts and disappointments of the last man unto him. When we project our hurt and disappoints unto another all we’re doing is hurting and disappointing them.

         What I am saying is take the time to clean yourself up. We can’t be afraid of the loneliness of the process of regaining ourselves. It is unfair to someone who wants to be apart of our life if we track our mud into their life and sullying them. The act of cleaning ourselves up is a solo project—we can’t look to other to be our Mr. Clean or Ms. Clean.

         I have wrote about being rejected, being hurt, and being disappointed in love on numerous occasions. But after any situations end be it because of me or the other person I believe in taking the time to regroup and heal for myself. I don’t want to be the girl whose conversations always center on my ex or use my ex’s actions as an excuse to demean or belittle the next.

         We all acquire baggage over time, that’s just life and it happens. However, it’s up to us whether we carry it around in a U-Haul or if we can keep it in our back pocket. We have to clean our proverbial shoes and ourselves. That means unpacking the baggage—throwing away the little shit, the insignificant shit, the irrelevant shit, and only taking the lessons. Taking the lessons not the bitterness. Lessons are important but we have to separate the lesson from its bitterness.

         In my last situation, I learned the value of not being so giving so early. I learned to really dissect that person before opening myself up to them and allowing myself to form a symbiosis with them. Did learning this hurt? Yes, it absolutely hurt. It hurt like hell. But I had to take time to distill the lesson from the bitterness and animosity.


         So ask yourself, are your shoes clean?

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