Last night as I was
social media stalking I came across a video with the headline, “Girlfriend
confronts boyfriend about cheating.” Hmmm, I saw that the video was the six
minutes and at first my short attention span said, “Nah” but then again I was
Kourtney and Leonard’s
love story started out like most people’s love story does: boy meets girl.
However, like many love stories theirs’ soon fell apart. What struck me so much
about their conversation were the similarities between that a conversation I
had with an old flame last year, someone who I had sadly loved deeper than he
I was home for fall
break from my short-lived sojourn to law school when we ran into each other at
a pet store. We spoke and I left. However, a few minutes later he called and
asked did I have a few minutes to talk.
Me and Jay's story started out much the same: boy meets girl. We became acquainted through mutual friends and at first I wasn't attracted to him. But his wit, charm, and unique personality drew me eventually. I fell and I fell hard with Jay falling right behind me but as things tend to do they fell apart.
We met in a parking lot
and he joined me in my vehicle. “Jay*, what do you want to talk about?” “We
left things bad, Honey.” “Yeah, we did.” I thought about the last conversation we had before I'd moved and it wasn't pretty. Accusations flew over some "he said, she said" mumbo jumbo. An awkward silence fell between us
that I cut with the questions that had been burning me up for quite some time.
“Why wasn’t I enough?” He gave me an emotionless look, “What do you mean?”
“Jay, I wasn’t never enough for you. You made that clear. I mean, what was
wrong with me?” I said I wouldn't cry but yet there I was scanning my car's interior for a box of Kleenex, a Zaxby's napkin--something to dab the tears away. “Nothing is wrong with you. You're an amazing women. You're attractive, you're intelligent, and you have a lot going for you.” Cue: Not My Kind of Girl by New Edition right about now.
“Jay, don’t give me that shit. If
there is nothing wrong with me we would be together.” “There is nothing wrong
with you. I just couldn’t give you want you wanted.” “And what did you think
that was?” “A lot. At the end of the day, Honey I just want us to be friends. I
want to be a part of your greatness and witness the great things you’re about
Leonard and Jay shared a
very similar deposition; detached, unresponsive, and a bit of feigned care but not
a trace of remorse--just a whole lot of lip service and empty talk. That’s what struck me the deepest was that shared lack of
remorse. Jay and Leonard are what I like to call emotional anarchists. They are
the types that will cause emotional chaos in your life and then look at you
with a look of befuddlement without a second of remorse when you react emotionally to their actions.
What I learned was being
“friends” meant being a friend when it was convenient and advantageous to him.
Witnessing my greatness meant checking in on occasion to see if I was still on
the market and if he could “slide through”
I’m sure with Kourtney
as with me when I sat down with Jay she was seeking some form of closure, some
answers to her why’s and what’s. But people who are emotional anarchists cannot
provide those answers because simply they do not have them. People who are
emotional anarchists want to see you squirm because they cannot empathize with
you. They want you to come to them begging for answers and “closure”. Emotional
anarchists will never give you closure and trying to get closure from them is
akin to expecting someone who stabbed you to patch the wound. Allowing them to
stay in your life will only lead you further down a path of hurt and confusion.
I know some people
wonder why Kourtney stayed. I can’t speak for Kourtney but if I had to say I’d
say this. Feelings are not like light switches you cannot simply turn them on
or off no matter how fucked up someone treats you. However, the light
eventually will start to dim on its on.
I respect her for
waiting to sit down and hash it out like an adult but some people are incapable
of rising to that same level of emotional transparency. At the end of the day,
I deeply felt for Kourtney because I’ve been there. No, Jay wasn’t a serial
cheater but his indecisiveness about us caused me deep emotional scars because
it left me confused with a depleted sense of self-worth.
As I watched the video I
just wanted to hug her and let her know that she wasn’t stupid, she wasn’t weak
she was just someone who cared more than she should have about someone who didn’t
care at all.
From my understanding, Kourtney has moved on and is in a healthy relationships and that's what's up!!!
Don’t Be Me: The 8 Dating Mistakes I MadeBy: Ryan D. Daniels My grandma is an extremely wise woman and one of her favorite adages that she reminds me of when I’m beating myself up is, “Hindsight is 20/20.” Meaning we can always look back and see exactly where we messed up at. In all honesty, I have not had the greatest luck in love. Yes, some of the blame belongs with the men. But a lot of it belongs with me. I decided to take two years off from dating so I could take stock of where I continued to make mistakes in my dating and love life. I seek to write to help people avoid the mistakes I’ve made and here we go. My 8 Mistakes1) Involving with myself with unemotionally unavailable, uninterested men, or men who only wanted to play games. This was a big one. For some reason, I constantly chose me who made it clear they weren’t with it. My ego thought I could win them over or that I could change their mind. Do not just listen to what a man says you also need to watch what he does and if th…
Self-Care Ain’t Chocolate, Wine, and Retail TherapyBy: Ryan D. Daniels Chocolate, a whole bottle of red wine, and a trip to the mall are so often classified as “self-care”. However, they are not the only way to take care of yourself and to treat yourself well. Here are a few more ways we may not consider when it comes to living our best lives.
Why I Stopped
Auditioning By: Ryan D. Daniels Originally posted on September 24, 2016 A man wants a woman who
has her own, a woman who can cook, a woman who keeps herself up, a woman who is
this, a woman who is that. At one point in time I saw myself at least in a
happy and stable relationship by the time I was 25. Every time I became halfway
serious with a guy I started auditioning for the wife role—cooking and doing
whatever in between to make him realize I was the “one”. However, as my 26th
birthday draws nigh I realized something the man who is meant for me isn’t
going to need for me to audition.