By: Ryan D. Daniels
“I don’t care about you. I don’t even think about you. I’ve moved on and I’m happy. I have a girlfriend, we’re happy.” A few days ago I was on the receiving end of those words. They didn’t sting as much as I thought they would it was more so like a small pinch.
It is widely believed that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depressing, and lastly there is acceptance.
Denial- The signs were there all along that Logan* wasn’t the one for me but I denied them or excused them away. The cracks were in the foundation early on; inconsistency, not being supportive when I needed it, and just an overall uneasy feeling. But I denied it because I couldn’t mentally accept that someone I loved was slipping away from me rapidly.
Anger- When I realized that Logan would never love me the way I loved him I was consumed by anger. I was angry as him, I was angry at myself for being so naïve and so open for allowing myself to want someone that much. I was angry and bitter because I’d given so much of myself to Logan; my time, my energy, and most importantly my love. And what did I have to show for it? Nothing. I was in a perpetual emotional rage and I unleashed it furiously on anyone who tried to get close to me.
Bargaining- I remember the bargaining phase well. “Why wasn’t I enough? Did need to lose weight? Am I not smart enough? Am I not pretty enough? Why wasn’t my enough, enough? Or was my enough, too much?” I emotionally contorted myself trying to fit into the box of what I thought Logan wanted in a woman. I was bargaining, begging, and bartering trying to get him back. I’ll never forget crying in the passenger seat of his car asking why wasn’t I enough and remembering he couldn’t even formulate an answer. I just wanted to change and be the woman he wanted and needed. I’d lose the weight, I’d read that book, I’d do my hair the way he wanted. I wanted to make him happy.
Depressing- Logan’s life went on while mine went left. Logan had a new house, a new car, and seemingly a new girl. And I was just out here losing constantly; dropped out of law school, same raggedy car, wack job, and a wack life. It was clear, Logan was winning on all fronts and I was clearly losing across the board. My feelings of inadequacies constantly descended upon me leading to poor decisions and not focusing on what I needed to do; I was depressed because Logan was living the life I thought I should be sharing with him.
Acceptance- Life got better. I put a laser focus on my own betterment. I cut off on unhealthy people and exited from detrimental situations. I deserved better and I needed better. The only way my life was going to get better was if I made it better and here I am. But I still needed to say my piece to Logan so I could completely move on. I contemplated over and over should I dial his number so I could apologize. Finally, I mustered up the courage to make the call, I was absolutely sure he wouldn’t answer. So I had made up my mind that if he didn’t answer I’d just move on without saying it.
A knot formed in my throat when I heard his voice say “Hello.” “Hi, Logan. Are you busy?” “Who is this?” “Ry.” “Oh, I’m getting some work done. What’s up?” “Look Logan, we haven’t talked in a while. But I just wanted to call and apologize. I know I wasn’t perfect to you and I haven’t been great to you. I understand I was never the woman you wanted or the woman you needed. I did a lot trying to make you see that I was perfect for you but truth be told, I wasn’t. A lot of the times my efforts were misguided and not well thought through. I know you’ve moved on but I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Logan listened quietly and then he said his piece, exactly what I thought he say he never even acknowledged my apology but he had to get what he had to get off of his chest as well. I was prepared for this because things had rapidly went from indifferent between us to acrimonious in a short amount of time. “Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, Logan.” “I don’t care about you. I don’t even think about you. I’ve moved on and I’m happy. I have a girlfriend, we’re happy.”
I didn’t call Logan to beg him to love me or ask him to be my friend; I’m beyond that. I called him to say my piece so I could have my peace. I needed my own form of closure so that I could finally accept the closure of that chapter in my life.
I do not know what the future holds for me but nowhere in that future do I feel that Logan will be a part of it, period. I want the same thing I want for him and that’s for him to be happy. However, I accept that I’m not a part of the things that make him happy. I had to go through Logan so I could grow through Logan. Our relationship made me hold a mirror up to myself and face my own demons and deal my ugly truths.
I’ve accepted that that future I once imagined for us is not meant from him and I. Hell, it may not be meant for me at all. But as long as I was devoting time and expending mental capital on Logan I would never be able to get to my happiness and completeness.
I’m thankful for the peace that comes from acceptance.
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